Dear Writers of Naruto, No Just No
by PhoenixDiamond
Summary: Hilarious letters written to the fans of Naruto based on the characters need to correct some improper information displayed through endless cliche tales written about them. Canon based world. Slight pairings mentioned. Enjoy.
1. Signed Naruto Uzumaki

**Author's Rant:** The plot bunny is such a bastard. Oh well its too late now lol. I recieved word that readers wanted something to read on the side while waiting for an update on my stories. So here's something to read five to seven days a week my loves. I hope it brings a smile to your faces. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Despite so many of you wanting me to be a feminine, prissy bitch with an attitude, sorry it ain't happening. My sexy jutsu is only for emergencies; not for screwing my teammates.

Signed Naruto

P.S. In case anyone's still in denial, let me simply put that I. AM. A. BOY.

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><p><strong>TBC: Well? Yah, Nah, What do you think? I can make it worth your while. ~tempts with cookies~ ^_^<strong>


	2. Signed The Akatsuki

**Author's Rant:** I love you guys so much! You're all awesome. My goal is to reach 100 chapters so enjoy ^_^.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Do some of you have this abstract fascination with humans being transformed into felines? Its not cute, its not adorable and its not funny. Its disgraceful and humiliating. Please expect an early death several ways to hell, you bunch of pitiful cloak-wearing-wannabe bastards.

Signed The Akatsuki

P.S. Respect Jashin's incredible power you pathetic mortals or else!

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><p><strong>TBC: Yah I love you guys lol. The plot bunny is keeping my brain working. ^_^<strong>


	3. Signed The Current Shinobi Generation

**Author's Rant:** ~Squeals~ Yah! Thanks so much for the response positive everyone. You're all awesome. And please don't get offended. I'm sure by the end of this I myself would've broken at least 80% of these lol. This is just for fun.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

We all finished school when we were twelve. Stop putting us back in there. Seriously, you've made most of us old enough to have graduated ten times over.

Sighed The Current Shinobi Generation

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><p><strong>TBC: Yah another chapter successfully done. ~showers with cookies, hearts and rainbows~ ^_^<strong>


	4. Signed Orochimaru

**Author's Rant:** ~Mmm~ I don't know what happened but for some reason a lot of people couldn't see my chapter three. So I had to repost it. Now everyone can see it as well as this newer one.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Add a little variety to your style of characterizing me, if you would. Shall I forever be the BUTT END of everyone's immature jokes when it comes to molesting small children? There are older people to rape you know. Where's the evidence of me making Sasuke my boy toy because I've seen none.

Signed Orochimaru

P.S. Kidnapping doesn't count. If you recall, he came to me of his free will.

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><p><strong>TBC: Yah another chapter happily done. ~showers with cookies, hearts and rainbows~ ^_^<strong>


	5. Signed Sakura Haruno

**Author's Rant:** ~Giggles~ I'm seriously hoping this one pisses someone off badly lol.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I'm sorry so many of you hate me simply because of my childish obsession with Sasuke, my insane strength and my ignorance toward's Naruto's feelings, but in the end you'll all get over it. I'll still be here, pink hair and all.

Signed Sakura

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><p><strong>TBC: Please tell me someone's pissed off lol. This isn't bashing by the way. ^_^<strong>


	6. Signed Sasuke and Itachi Uchiha

**Author's Rant:** ~Giggles~ We're going to go for as long as I can people. Embrace the fun!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

For you all, we'll both agree to this momentary truce for only three seconds to write that we, that is Sasuke Uchiha and Itachi Uchiha, do here by state that under no circumstances will we ever find the ravishing urge to fuck the other into the ground. We want the other's death, not his dick.

Signed Sasuke and Itachi Uchiha

P.S. Uchihacest? Really?

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><p><strong>TBC: Hey, hey, hey I've read some good ones lol. ^_^<strong>


	7. Signed Iruka Sensei

**Author's Rant:** Here's another chapter guys. I hope you like it. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

This is insanity made illegal to the highest degree! Have you all lost your minds? Genin-Sensei relations are forbidden! Period. No matter how imaginative you make it, the answer is no!

Signed Iruka- Sensei

P.S. The same is implied to the extreme, concerning the ideals of Sensei-Hokage Relationships.

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><p><strong>TBC: Iruka . . . are you sure about that? What do you think?<strong>


	8. Signed The Akatsuki ll

**Author's Rant:** Here's another chapter. I hope you like it. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Due to the overbearance of flithy young ladies, with the capacity of a grapefruit, terrifying eyes the color of a rainbow variety, with an infinite amount of chakra power, damnable pasts they want us to fix, can somehow magically make the males fall in love with them, namely Itachi, Deidara and Sasori, trying to weasel their way into an impressive membership; we the entire Akatsuki clan have no other choice but to shut down our recruitment until further notice.

Signed The Akatsuki

P.S. Take note of those who've ACTUALLY tried and failed miseriably. That my dear writers, is true reality.

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><p><strong>TBC: Yes. Preach it. Amen!^_^<strong>


	9. Signed Naruto Uzumaki ll

**Author's Rant:** Here's another chapter. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Stop giving me a mystical womb. I can't make ass babies.

Signed Naruto

P.S. The father will never, ever be Sasuke.

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><p><strong>TBC: Ah but you make such pretty babies Naruto. ^_^<strong>


	10. Signed The Kunoichi Ninja Population

**Author's Rant:** You guys are right. Hell if this gets deleted then so be it. But I can at least enjoy it while it lasts. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

We're not all brainless, whiny, stupid whores in love with men who don't want us. Try to retain your jealousy.

Signed The Kunoichi Ninja Population

P.S. This also extends to the females ranked high on the S list criminal log.

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><p><strong>TCB: Anyways enjoy this guys. ^_^<strong>


	11. Signed Sasuke Uchiha

**Author's Rant:** Yah we have more people interested in the rants of our favorite Shinobi! Welcome and enjoy the fun. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Have I ONCE ever, EVER protrayed the slightest romantic interest in Sakura? Was this supposed to be before or after I tried to kill her?

Signed Sasuke

P.S. Lest you forget that I have enough issues on my hands besides worrying about the lustful admiration of a pink haired stalker.

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><p><strong>TCB: Aww Poor Sasuke lol. <strong>


	12. Signed Kakashi Hatake

**Author's Rant:** Ok here's the deal, if you're going to flame have the balls to login otherwise its going to be deleted. Simple as that. Ok? Ok then. Now on with the fun and welcome new names and readers! ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Despite popular demand so wrongfully protrayed of me by misguided parties (and you know who you are) . . . I am not a pervert. I just have an erotic taste for certain books written to my fancy.

Signed Kakashi.

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><p><strong>TCB: Oh sure Kakashi. Tell that to someone else who doesn't know when the next issue comes out lol. ~showers all with hugs and kisses~<strong>


	13. Signed Tsunade

**Author's Rant:** Well after reading that Kohaku one I thought it seemed kind of weird too. I forgot not to many people know him. So here's a more familiar name. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I can't breastfeed Kakashi or Naruto. What's the matter with you?

Signed Tsunade

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><p><strong>TCB: Hopefully this name's more familiar to you. ^_^<strong>


	14. Signed Random OC

**Author's Rant:** Oh boy I know I'll break this rule someday. I just know it.^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Damn you bastards all to hell. I shall avenge the Leaf Village of which I was magically conjured up! Fire Style Kiss My Ass Jutsu!

Signed Random OC

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><p><strong>TCB: Hint, hint. ^_^<strong>


	15. Signed Naruto Uzumaki lll

**Author's Rant:** I needed to make myself laugh lol.^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

You damned fools! I'll destroy you all with my energy powers. KAMEHAMEHA! . . . shit. . . forgot I was freakin' a ninja.

P.S. Gee I guess that means I can't catch 'em all either. Wow imagine that.

P. P. S. Yo, has anyone seen my keyblade err. . . oops I mean key chain?

Signed Naruto

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><p><strong>TCB: Again hint, hint. *coughcrossoverscough* ^_^ <strong>


	16. Signed Sasuke Uchiha ll

**Author's Rant:** Good Morning. Here's another chapter for your enjoyment. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

The Uchiha Clan is gone, vanished, murdered by my bastard for a nail polish wearing brother. There are only three of us left people, soon to be narrowed down to only one.

So how in the hell will I restore the population? Think!

Signed Sasuke

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><p><strong>TCB: ^_^ <strong>


	17. Signed The Shinobi Male Population

**Author's Rant: **I really enjoyed this one.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Due to the extensively freakish roles unwantedly played by the majority of our handsome young men residing in our beloved Fire Nation, a petition has been written for those who volunteer their signatures in order to an end to the creation of nut-sack stored wombs that can somehow manifest a child for a member of the same sex. For odd various reasons, this particular trait has been a rather popular theory made for several ninjas who were the first ones to write their names upon hearing the declaration made.

A total of five hundred signatures is needed to put an end to this brazen ridiculousness to ensure that some degree of our manhood is sustained.

Will you not help us restore order to this unruly facade?

P. S. Because this idiotic situation has spilled over into neighboring kingdoms, a shared pact to add another one thousand signatures to the list has been engaged in hopes that someday we'll all be able to walk around as the strong, VERY MALE warriors we are.

P. P. S. Apparently another addition has temporarily been included by way of the Akatsuki. They wish to par take in this strange fascination and evilly ask that you stop making them carry children they hardly want anything to do with.

Thank you for your time. These are the names of those who want your blood served on a silver platter should you continue this bullshit.

Signed The Entire Shinobi Male Population

Naruto Uzumaki

Sasuke Uchiha

Iruka Umino

Itachi Uchiha

Kakashi Hatake

Yamato

Sora (though I'm not around enough to really matter)

Neji Hyuuga

Madara Uchiha

Konohamaru Saratobi

Orochimaru

Deidara

Kabuto Yakushi

Gaara

Sasori

Kiba Inuzuka

Kankuro

Might Gai

Shikamaru Nara

Sai

Hidan

Rock Lee

. . . . we'll find another sheet of paper to add more names too.

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><p><strong>TCB: Oh my goodness guys lol. ^_^<strong>


	18. Signed Minato Namikaze

**Author's Rant: **I missed the update yesterday? I thought I did it. Hm.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I am Naruto's biological Father.

Signed Minato Namikaze

P.S. The blonde hair, freakishly wide smile, and dashing blue eyes? He's sure as hell didn't get that from Iruka.

P. P. S. No offense Umino

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><p><strong>TCB: Someone's offensive. ^_^<strong>


	19. Signed Kabuto Yakushi

**Author's Rant:** A little late tonight but at least I didn't miss the date.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I'll admit to being medically intelligent, and psychologically unstable, but I refuse to stand anymore of these idiotic claims that I'm heavily addicted to riding Orochimaru's nuts.

I have _some_ pride you crazed sadists.

Signed Kabuto Yakushi

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><p><strong>TCB: Kabuto's riding Orochi's nuts? Oh my lol.<strong>


	20. Signed Sasuke Uchiha lll

**Author's Rant:** Oh man I loved this one.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I would like to express my somewhat sincere gratitude to those of you who write SasuNaru fictional tales. I have a hell load of gribe to rave on Naruto for the next few weeks.

You've done the world a milestone of good for once.

Signed Sasuke Uchiha

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><p><strong>TCB: You're welcome love. Anytime lol. ^_^<strong>


	21. Signed Naruto Uzumaki lV

**Author's Rant:** Oh man I loved this one too.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I would like to sincerely thank all of you crazy bastards who write Uchihacest as well as NaruSasu fiction stories. Sasuke's stupid ass hasn't spoken in weeks. Cheers!

Signed Naruto

P.S. Score ten for team Naruto.

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><p><strong>TCB: I haven't done that just yet but you're welcome. ^_^<strong>


	22. Signed Gaara

**Author's Rant: **Lol how could I forget my sweet Gaara? lol

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

. . . see that? You see? My lips moved . . . I can talk . . . see? My lips, they moved. Learn something . . . shit.

Signed Gaara

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><p><strong>TCB: Yep I've seen when he doesn't speak for chapters and thought it was cute. ^_^<strong>


	23. Signed Hidan

**Author's Rant: **Gotta agree with this one.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Fuck isn't the only word I use motherfuckers. My vocabulary does extend to shit, bastard, bitch, slut, damn, ass, asshole, hell, pussy, fool . . .

Signed Hidan

P.S. Fucking stretch the fucking word 'fuck' to other words stupid fucks.

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><p><strong>TCB: Oh my my my lol. <strong>


	24. Signed Sasuke and Itachi Uchiha ll

**Author's Rant:** I swear some of these reviews crack me up! Lol. You guys are too funny. Thanks for having a sense of humor.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Because of a momentary loss of insanity to the majority of you overly imaginative people, we've decided to join forces for only a fleeting moment—merely three seconds— to kindly remind the lot of you that we have no other siblings. . . Thank God.

Sighed Sasuke and Itachi Uchiha

P.S. . . . By the way. . . our mother never gave birth to Michelle Uchiha, so who the hell is that?

P.P.S. Excuse we needed to correct some things. That goes for

Bobby Uchiha,

Destiny Uchiha,

Coco Bean Uchiha,

Julie Uchiha,

Jasmine Uchiha,

Angel Uchiha,

David Uchiha,

Miki Uchiha,

Sammy Uchiha,

Amanda Uchiha,

Nicole Uchiha,

Jessie Uchiha,

SweetHeart Uchiha

Raven Uchiha

. . . damn this list is long . . .

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><p><strong>TCB: No offense to anyone who's name who's listed ok? Ok. Thank you. ^_^<strong>


	25. Signed Kyuubi

**Author's Rant:** Here's Kyuubi in high demand my loves. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Just for you all, I'm going to magically manifest myself into a utterly sexy female with breasts out to the next village or perhaps I should transform into a charming, handsome man with a dick the size of the Hokage Mountain. In return, all I ask is possess your bodies so that I may torture you as much as I do the Uzumaki brat that for some damned reason you assume I want as my kin.

Let's clear up some things because I lose my mind.

I can't get him pregnant. Stop looking for an excuse for this boy to fuck the Uchiha kid.

I don't want to randomly become Naruto's new brother or sister (despite the fact I've been referred to as a male on countless occasions).

I don't have a heat cycle in dire need for kits. This I recently discovered, is just another reason to mate this brat off to the Uchiha.

I'm not going to manifest into some gorgeous, beautiful, handsome mortal to mate with your made up characters, who I happen to believe is just you wanting to fuck a fox . . . disgusting little savages.

Why in the name of the ten tailed God am I usually matched with the eldest Uchiha son? Where was the connection to make this possible?

You. All. Are. Disturbed. So help me if it weren't for the kind hearted bastard I'm stuck in, I'd shred you all to nothing.

Signed Kyuubi. . . through the fingers of Naruto Uzumaki.

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><p><strong>TCB: Lol I broke that sibling rule in my story. ^_^<strong>


	26. Signed Naruto Uzumaki V

**Author's Rant:** This one definitely needed to be done. Don't anyone get offended alright because it's just for fun. Ok? Ok. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Sooo just to clear things u I'm gonna get raped right? So that eventually leads to me falling in love with my rapist? He loves me right? That's why he raped me?

An that's supposed to be a good thing?

Wow I just love the logic weaved up in this shit. I'm made into a crying wimp who doesn't have the balls to confront my rapist/lover because he finds it romantic to force me into sex. That's totally awesome. Feel the joy as I'm raped into an infatuated, crying bitch. . .

Seek therapy.

Signed Naruto Uzumaki

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><p><strong>TBC: I'll never understand.<strong>


	27. Signed Neji Hyuuga

**Author's Rant:** Thanks alot for the suggestions you guys. I've been going through reading those I might have missed and I promise I'll try my best to get them all.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

What is this strange obsession with matching me with random comrades I rarely associate with?

Kiba Inuzuka? I've spoken to the fellow on a few occasions and that indicates hidden romance or sexual attraction? Sorry. Fleas and dogs don't suit my tastes.

Gaara of the Sand? . . . come to think of it, have I ever batted a lash at the lad? No, I think not. I'd much perfer the company of someone who doesn't sit there aimlessly staring at dust particles flutter by like its the newest fashion.

Shikamaru Nara, intelligent and lazy as hell. So why exactly would he pique my interests? I assume just pure igorance on your part for this one.

I have absolutely nothing in common with any of these people.

Seriously, learn to sort your options before suiting me with anything that moves. That also includes the Kunoichi population of my generation; both real and make believe.

Signed Neji Hyuuga

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><p><strong>TCB: Oh man I'm sure as hell guilty of this one lol. ^_^<strong>


	28. Signed Kakashi Hatake and Iruka Umino

**Author's Rant:** Good day to you everyone! Hope you had a good day loves.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

When was the last time I smacked Iruka's romp and said "Oh baby that's nice?" depraved people.

Indeed and I'm the pervert?

Wonderful.

Signed Kakashi Hatake.

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><p>Kakashi will never lay a finger on my precious behind. Is that understood?<p>

Signed Iruka Umino

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><p><strong>TCB: Lol. ^_^<strong>


	29. Signed Tobi

**Author's Rant:** Good evening my loves!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Tobi not always dumb, dumb. Tobi is good boy. Tobi spell ABCs good too.

Signed Tobi.

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><p><strong>TCB: Poor Tobi lol. Why do people make him so stupid? Its cute lol. <strong>


	30. Signed The Deceased Hokage

**Author's Rant:** Good afternoon! ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

We're dead.

We don't have extra, monstrously strong children to carry on our legacies. We don't want to be your husbands and you're not our descendants.

Let us rest in peace.

Signed the Deceased Hokage.

P.S. No one was physically harmed during the usage of the reanimation jutsu.

P. P. S. The ninja responsible refuses to be identified for this crime.

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><p><strong>TCB: The poor 'Kages lol. <strong>


	31. Signed Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha

**Author's Rant:** Good evening! ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Stop referring to me as the blond. My hair isn't a person . . . Stupid.

Signed Naruto Uzumaki

P.S. Sasuke's got something to tell ya. Brace yourselves.

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><p>My hair doesn't resemble a duck's ass for Christ's sake.<p>

And stop calling me a motherfucking raven! What is with you people and your freaky references with me and birds?

Signed Sasuke Uchiha

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><p><strong>TCB: Dude damn near all of us have done that blond thing but I haven't done the raven hair bit. ^_^<strong>


	32. Signed Sasuke Uchiha IV

**Author's Rant:** Good evening! ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for my enjoyment.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Sasu-GAY. Sas-UKE. Real clever. Did you think of that yourself?

. . . Losers.

Signed Sasuke Uchiha

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><p><strong>TCB: Sorry this is a personal peeve of mines. But no hard feelings ^_^.<strong>


	33. Signed Rock Lee

**Author's Rant:** Happy Late Night Valentine's Day loves! ^_^.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

There is this strange rumor going around I heard from Naruto people assume I can do over five hundred push-ups, seven hundred sit-ups and run around the Leaf Village butt naked while chewing on a bag of nails, singing the twinkle song?

What

The

Hell?

Butt naked and singing? There isn't that much youth power in the world.

Signed Rock Lee

P.S. Just to clear things up I can only do four hundred push-ups, five hundred sit-ups and SPRINT around the Leaf Village. But that whole nails thing is seriously pushing it.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: I've read way worst . . .<strong>


	34. Signed Kiba Inuzuka

**Author's Rant:** I can't believe I haven't done Kiba. He's the sexiest guy of all lol.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I don't fuck my dog stupid asses . . . we just happen to fuck like them.

Sighed Kiba Inuzuka

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><p><strong>TBC: We'll have more Kiba down the road guys and to answer a quick question asked. I labeled it romanceparody for the upcoming pairings who'll be writing pissed letters too ^_^. That includes hetero/yaoi/yuri ok? Ok. **


	35. Signed Every Existing Ninja

**Author's Rant:** Finally I can update! Sheesh fanfic is trippin' ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Listen, this is a group agreement amongst us. Could you stop scribbling in there how much you either hate us or want to fuck us or whatever in those parenthesis with a note in them? It's bad enough we have to hear about being forced into this psychotic predicaments but that's just pushing it.

Kabuto was kind enough to write what they look like.

Example (A/N: I want to fuck Orochimaru so mad.) (A/N: Sasuke's a stupid, cock sucking bitch)

Get the picture? We don't want to hear nor do we care how you feel at the current time. Just write the shit in there since we don't have much choice but to comply anyway.

For the love of shit . . . .

Signed Every Existing Ninja

P.S. We don't know why Kabuto went with those examples but to each his own we guess.

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><p><strong>TBC: Lol ^_^<strong>


	36. Signed Kiba Inuzuka ll

**Author's Rant:** Good morning my beloved sweeties! ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Let's get one thing straight here alright people? Rule number one about the Inuzuka clan is that we're always top dog.

I'll never be Neji's bitch.

I don't want to be Shikamaru's bitch.

And I sure as hell don't want to be Shino's bitch.

End of story.

Signed Alpha Dog Kiba Inuzuka

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Lol ^_^<strong>


	37. Signed Neji Hyuuga ll

**Author's Rant: To those of you who are reading Taste of Your Lips, don't worry I'm working on the chapter now. It'll either be updated tonight or tomorrow.**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Need I remind you all, I do not wear knee high leather boots, wear fire red lipstick, smack my ass like a savage bitch, or wave my arms in the air while frequenting a seedly night club.

I'm of Jonin level for God's sake. Have a little compassion for my pride as a ninja warrior.

Signed Neji Hyuuga

P.S. That inclues fish net stockings, blue mascara, or blush, you filthy minded curs of the deepest underworld.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Lol poor sweet Neji. ^_^<strong>


	38. Signed Shikamaru Nara

**Author's Rant: **Sorry guys. I finally thought of something for Shikamaru lol**. **

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I don't quote drag after every dragging sentence. Try to use that dragging noggin on your shoulders for something other than a dragging hat rack. You're all just being too lazy to drag your fingers over the keybroad to drag a better boring word out your dragging asses for me to use.

Bunch of drag ass bastards.

Signed Shikamaru Nara.

P.S. Don't be a drag.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: I've read it used ten times in a single sentence . . . <strong>


	39. Signed Zabuza

**Author's Rant: **Does anyone remember this guy?

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Sooo just because I touched this fucking kid's face I'm automatically labeled a child pedophile? You do realize he came with me of his free will right? But I guess that doesn't make a difference does it?

This is some fucked up bullshit to the tenth fucking power.

Fuck it. I might as well go with the flow. I'm going to hell anyway.

Signed Zabuza

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Yo . . . he's got a good point here lol. ^_^<strong>


	40. Signed Hinata Hyuuga

**Author's Rant: **Yah everyone remembered dear Zabuza! Whew I was worried for a minute lol.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I want to kick some motherfucking ass too! . . . Oops . . . sorry ~scratches out naugthy words~ I mean could I pretty please get a chance to show how strong I am without s-s-s-stuttering? I can prove my balls are just as heavy as Naruto's.

Signed Hinata Hyuuga.

P.S. I'm not suffering from tourettes . . . stupids.

P.P.S. I did beat up a bumble bee once. . . if anyone cares to remember.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Hm doing Hinata is really tricky . . .<strong>


	41. Signed Naruto and Sasuke ll

**Author's Rant: **I really like this one.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Guess what guys? Me and Sasuke just came back from Hot Topic with some leather stretch pants, a pair of knee high boots, and a set of fish net shirts while listening to Rihanna and Lady Gaga's hot mix. Damn we looked as good as the time we shopped at Target for our leopard skinned trench coats.

I was lost in my iTunes, singing Linkin' Park later on, while we simply chatted together in Starbucks, sipping on a vanilla frap with extra whipped cream and discussing our recent trip to Six Flags and Disney world. What amazing fun we had! Wanna see the pics? Or do you wanna get a damn clue?

Your imaginations are a curse . . .

Thanks to you we haven't found the Leaf Village in fucking weeks. There are too many fast food chains littered all over the got'damn place. I had to go to Walmart to ask for directions and Sasuke got himself lost in JCPenny even though I told his dumbass he wasn't going to find a pair of designer hakama in there.

For goodness sake people, give us back our home!

Signed Naruto Uzumaki and a little from Sasuke Uchiha since he's too pissed off and lost to write anything himself.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: This was a really good idea lol. Thanks for the suggestion Love ^_^<strong>


	42. Signed Mary Sue

**Author's Rant: **Damn I just read my first Mary-Sue ever. And my God I'm mortally wounded by her utter perfection? Ugh!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Don't you just adore my abnormal strength, my insane powers and my capabilities of making all the handsome men fall in love with me? I'm just so utterly perfect. I'm so glad they're all willing to fight over my enhanced beauty and intelligence. I'm able to tell where everyone lives before they even tell me and I've even gained my own kind of unique elements.

I shall call it, the multi-ultra-rainbow-of incredible amazement-jutsu. This will work perfectly with my Sharigan and Byakugan. Oops gosh darn it, I almost missed how wonderful my lavender and blue highlighted tresses looks flowing in the winds down past my feet and the sparkling twinkle of my silver/gold/diamond colored eyes.

I wonder who my mother Tsunde will engage me too tomorrow. Hopefully my father Kakashi won't mind the arrangement. Oh gosh I hope it's Sasuke but I feel bad because I'm in love Naruto as well. Oh I hope Itachi doesn't mind that they're in love with me. He's always felt so infatuated with me for no particular reason. Oh dear what will I tell the Akatsuki about my membership being voided? It'll just break Deidara and Sasori's heart that they can't fuck me anymore or fight over me.

Whatever shall I do? Won't you help my twisted past so that I can make ever admire my godly attractiveness?

Signed Mary Sue.

P.S. Please don't hate my perfection. It's not my fault everyone adores me and the girls are so jealous.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: God I hate this tramp . . . <strong>


	43. Signed Every Living Shinobi

**Author's Rant: **Thanks Love for the suggestion. This one tends to get out of hand sometimes.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Let's get some things straight here people because for some reason unknown by us and everyone else there seems to be a large amount of this "issue" going around. Ok so apparently a large portion of you . . . _authors_ seem to get some sick thrills out of talking to yourselves. . . err I mean us.

Not that we want to be rude but . . . erm . . .well. . . shit fuck it. Look folks we don't want to talk to you or act out of conduct so that it'll make you feel special. Stop writing about us and you, having a conversation above and at the end of those disgraceful stories because truth be told, if we don't want our lives based on bullshit why the hell would we want to talk with the person who's the cause of it?

Once again we've had to stoop so low as to ask Kabuto to demonstrate this bullshit.

**PhoenixDiamond: Hey fans welcome back to another enstallment of "Such and Such"**

**Sasuke: Oh goody what plans do you have for us today Phoenix? ~sarcasm~**

**PhoenixDiamond: Sasuke don't be a turd.**

**Naruto: Ha ha ha Phoenix said turd.**

**Sasuke: Can it dobe or I'll rape you.**

**Naruto: Ohhh I'd love to see you do it Sasuke. Yum.**

**PhoenixDiamond: Oh my god ew uh no. Not in front of the fans.**

**Sasuke: Pulease they'd enjoy it just like you.**

**Naruto: Yeah they love seeing Sasuke do me doggy style. ~shows pictures~**

**Hinata: ~faints from nosebleed~**

**PhoenixDiamond: Holy shit someone save Hinata quickly!**

**Random OC: I'll save her!**

**PhoenixDiamond: . . . . 'Da fuck are you?**

**Random OC:. . . Captain Planet . . . **

**PhoenixDiamond: . . . Urm wrong show honey.**

Thank you Kabuto.

Signed The Thirty Second Peace Treaty amongst all Shinobi

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: This is a huge turn off for me . . . no offense to those who do this of course. It's your world. ^_^<strong>


	44. Signed Jiraiya

**Author's Rant: **Thanks for the suggestion sweetie ^_^.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I may come off as being a pervert.

I may appear old.

I may be the author of a very famous and smutty romance novel.

And I may be the craziest shinobu to ever exist but . . . .

Hell what is my point?

Never mind. Forget it. I can't deny a damn thing can I?

Signed Jiraiya.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC:That's true lol.<strong>


	45. Signed Gaara ll

**Author's Rant: **Thanks for the suggestion sweetie ^_^.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

How can I express myself when I have nothing to show? Whatever happened to my eyebrows? Were they donated to the dark haired boy with caterpillar squares or was I naturally born with a naked face? This is a rather sad predicament you've placed me in. If I were to ever be surprised about something I could never express myself.

How shall I frown? How can I lift a curious brow like everyone else? Will there be a time I can display my emotions by furrowing my defected brows?

Do you understand how this makes me feel?

. . . . and you wonder why I never change faces. Oh believe me I do.

I simply have no eyebrows to show it.

I just smile on the inside.

Signed Gaara.

P.S. Please note that the people of the Sand Village would like to ask that you all act a small token to the bucket for our leader's eyebrow donation foundation.

Everyone who participates will earn a free gift bag filled with ninja surprises.

P.S.S. The representatives of the Eyebrow Growth Foundation won't be responsible for the random presents given by Temari or Kankuro. You're all old enough to know they're insane.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: That's true lol.<strong>


	46. Naruto Uzumaki VI

**Author's Rant: **Thanks for the suggestion sweetie ^_^. I had no idea about this was going on.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Oh my fair goddess, where are thou? I long to feel your wrinkled fingers of love upon my illegal skin and the touch of conjured spells to magically make me capable of controlling heaven, hell and the make believe worlds in between. My dear, sweet, glorious goddess, what do thy take of me?

My virginity? But are thou far too old to touch a fourteen year old? Or shall ye make thee older then the hands of time? Then I too shall be a king of my own heaven and deal with the wraths of the hellions.

. . . . Are you jackasses trying to get me struck my lightning? If any of the Gods found out I was trying to hijack their jobs, my ass would be roasted from here to next week!

. . . and don't even get me started on the devil.

Why? Why can't I ever be a normal teenager? All I want to do is eat ramen and nibble on dumplings.

Signed Naruto Uzumaki.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: I had no idea people were matching Naruto with Mary Sue goddesses! I was told this by another since I'm still losing my Naruto berry. =**


	47. Signed Random OC ll

**Author's Rant: **Thanks for the suggestion sweetie ^_^.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Isn't it just swell how I'm able to know every single detail about all the characters? I even knew where Naruto and Sasuke lived before they even told me. Gosh I'm just too smart for my own good. Did I mention I knew I was going to be the coolest main character in your story too? Thanks for making me the only survivor of the Uchiha Clan. Boy was it tough dodging Itachi's attacks.

I've lived such a rough life. . . thanks for making it easier for me too.

Signed Random OC

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Hint, Hint, ^_^<strong>


	48. Signed Naruto Uzumaki VII

**Author's Rant: **Thanks for the suggestion sweetie ^_^.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I've ultimately been made the weak wimp out of this series because apparently whenever a girl gets pissed, I'm always the one who suffers. Maybe it's supposed to be funny. Who's to say? But like all good jokes, these too shall pass.

Now I'm not at all above humor because hey, I'm a funny guy. I can take a joke. I like to laugh, I enjoy making others laugh.

However when I'm the one who suffers alone from these wenches wrath, it becomes incredibly suspicious. I'm assuming that most of you take me for someone to play with eh? Alright no prob. I'll fix this little issue right now.

Here's what's gonna happen the next freaky story written, happens to have my face being smacked, slapped, punched, or whatever in it for no reason what so ever; the bitch that's hand comes upon my face will have it handed right back to her in a bag of ice.

No bullshit. I'm sick and fuckin' tired of being knocked out because I said a word or spoke the truth.

Believe it got'dammit.

Signed Naruto Uzumaki.

P.S. I'm well mannered as much as the next guy but sheesh all men have limits. Sakura, Grandma Tsunade, Temari, and others are slowly reaching mine.

P.S.S. Uh yeah, you guys are too. So don't push it.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: I'm getting kind of sick of seeing him get hit for no reason too. =(<strong>


	49. Signed Sakura Haruno ll

**Author's Rant: **Thanks for the suggestion sweetie. ~Slaps hand over eyes~ People I'm going to say this one last time alright? This is just for FUN. Not in anyway am I attacking authors or writers for what they like to put in their stories. I mean how could I when I've done a bunch of these in my own story? I'd be a total hypocrite if I only said others did this and not me right? So once more and I'll place this in bold for others to see. **This is merely for humor**. I've never mentioned a specific author's name in this and to be frank if a person feels they're being made fun of, don't be sensitive. As most reviewers have admitted they've done this and find it humorous that the characters are fighting back. Thank you ^_^.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Umm, as much as I've admitted to being a Sasuke girl fan in the past and if you include the fact he's gone psychologically demented, even trying to kill me on numerous occasions. . .

What exactly makes you believe I'd want to be with his equally and twice as cruel brother.

I mean gosh there isn't that much Uchiha love in the world to make me switch from one lunatic to the next.

Signed Sakura Haruno.

P.S. That includes your made up Uchihas. I've officially deemed them all ridiculously crazy and blood thirsty.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: I've read only one SakuraxItachi couple mention in a SasuxNaru story. . . I kind of like how they fitted in THAT story. <strong>


	50. Signed Sasuke and Naruto lll

**Author's Rant: **Ok guys I know it's going to seem cruel of me but I 'm going to take a break from this series and mark it as complete for now. My goal is to reach a hundred but I've noticed my humor is starting to dry and I wanted to give focus to my three stories needing my attention. Oh but don't worry I WILL return back to reach my 100 goal. The latter half of these series will involve couples, hetero, yuri, yaoi, threesome's etc. If there are any you'd like to have a special couple mentioned please PM me ^_^.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I realize there's a lot of you using mine and Naruto's kiss scenes as being excuses to making us fall in love. Pfft please.

As if I want to be with a loud, obnoxious, bright eyed, loser who can't keep his mouth shut for longer than three seconds.

Would I really waste my life wanting to figure out what makes the Dobe tick? I'd be at it all day.

Signed Sasuke Uchiha.

P.S. Besides I heard he's not all that good in bed anyway.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I gotta agree with the guy who puts too much hair gel in his hair and girlie blue high lights. Those, kisses every single one of them, were by total accident.

Sasuke's a total jerk, a pompous jackass, a total dark eyed freak who doesn't seem to understand that you have to say something other than "Hn" at every question asked.

I can pretty much do bad all by my self ya know? Sasuke's not even worth the effort.

Signed Naruto Uzumaki.

P.S. Tsk, I bet he would just love to see if that's true, the evil prick.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: I shall return my loves. Sorry I couldn't figure out anything for Danzo =(<strong>


	51. Signed Naruto and Sasuke IV

**Author's Rant: **Break time is over with babes. I think I've got my muse back for these guys. Its time for couples.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to go against all his beliefs, hopes and dreams when something comes about that's too remotely tragic to comprehend. Mines came around when I read some of your stories and trust me, the promise land was NOT good. Is there some kind of sick fantasty you all have when it comes to me and the duck ass teme? I don't want him. If anything, if there's even the slightest bit of attraction, its his ass wanting to have a piece of me.

And let's face it babes, keh, I'm that irresistible. Just think, who is it he's already's trying to murder? Who's face is he always about two inches from, mind you that's him coming in my face and out of all the ninjas avaliable for his blade to slice, he wants me. Oops did I forget to say that he's the one always making the first move?

Signed Naruto Uzumaki

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Just to clarify because there's no point in me explaining my end of the deal when it comes to who's attracted to who; I've been minding my own business after I left the Leaf Village ON MY OWN but I'm only after him? Right.

HE is the one coming after ME. I kicked his ass, tried to kill him on numerous occasions, told him I DID NOT want to return home, and the endless threat letters are impossible to count. Yet I WANT HIM. Hn, someone's either got some illusional issues he needs figured out or coming out of the closet rather then just sitting there writing letters of complete and utter bullshit.

Who are you trying to fool dobe? The girls can't resist so why should you be any different.

Signed Sasuke Uchiha

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Yah! I'm back my loves!<strong>


	52. Signed Sasuke and Sakura

**Author's Rant: **Thanks so much loves. I'm glad you're able to use this as a way to brighten your days. I love to make people laugh ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I blame society's influence on the way I acted as a young girl. If I'd known the guy I was "supposedly" so madly in love with, would try to kill me on a daily basis and have more interests in wanting to murder my team mate, I would've tried my luck eslewhere.

Its ok, I fell for his magic spell like the rest of the fawning fangirls. It was those dark good looks, flawless butt cheeks and broad shoulders. I just didn't realize there was a mind of a psychotic, egotistic maniac sitting on top of them.

Signed Sakura Haruno

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

. . . The pink hair. . . the loud talking. . . the constant words that never seemed to stop flowing from those thin lips. . . the badly formed body. . . do I really need to explain everything?

I tried to kill her. I wish I had. Fate wants her to live.

Why, I don't know.

Signed Sasuke Uchiha

P.S. The dobe's gone crazy to still be infatuated with her.

P.S.S Merely personal opinion.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: ^_^ Lol good point. <strong>


	53. Signed Neji and Gaara

**Author's Rant: **Thanks so much loves. You're all sweethearts and yes I value all of your opinions so thanks. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

If memory serves me, I can't recall a single moment when I've spoken a word to the Kazekage of the Sand. What actions between us influenced such a riot of written calamity about our sexualities?

Was it during the mission to save him from the Akatsuki? Wouldn't that infatuation be more directed towards other shinobi who've had more interaction with him?

I believe Lee or Naruto would suffice for better company with the Mute, than I would. I don't particularly fancy talking to myself when in the company of others.

This isn't meant to come off rude but when it comes to the Kazekage and my self being a couple . . . that's a definite hell no.

Signed Neji Hyuuga

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

. . . I don't even know who he is.

Signed Gaara

P.S. Please inform the chocolate haired woman that I am not a mute. I do speak when I'm interested in doing so. Its only half the time there seems no point when others talk because they don't make a lick of sense.

I've had a one sided conversation with Naruto. It only takes one time for me to learn my lesson.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: ^_^ Thank you Gaara and Neji <strong>


	54. Signed Naruto and Sasuke V

**Author's Rant: **Ok guys I swear I'll get to as many of the couples as I can but one of you said something so funny in your review I had to post this one first. Thanks Love. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Oh darn, my nails are chipped. I told you, you bastard Teme to bring me my coral nail polish yesterday when you borrowed my fuzzy thongs. Stupid idiot. That's the last time I ever let you use my stuff again. I'm missing my blue mascara, my panty hoses, . . . my leopard tights you can have. . . wait do you have my red pumps too?

You do don't you? God and you wonder why my self-esteem is so low. I go to look in my vanity mirror and all I see is poor Naruto in nothing but run down stockings and second rate make-up.

Why?

Because you happen to have all my shit at your house. Damn you are such a bastard.

Make sure to give me my stuff back you jackass. What kind of boyfriend steals his lover's make-up and clothes?

I never heard Neji taking Gaara's clothes.

Sakura doesn't steal Ino's make-up.

Signed Naruto Uzumaki

P.S. I want my Madonna CD back too, Bitch.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

. . . damn you nag like nobody's business.

I didn't steal a thing from you. I'm kindly using them to enhance my natural beauty. You'll get them back when I feel like it.

Besides, did I say anything when you stole my green, orange and gold go-go skirt? No.

Did I mention a word to you when you helped yourself to my Swan White Foundation? No.

Did I bitch at you for ruining my knee high boots that cost more that your fucking car note? No.

So quit bitching and wait until I get finished with your crap. I'm not giving you squat until I get my stuff back anyway.

As soon as I get my black eyelinder and poka dotted blouse back Dobe, then we'll talk. Until then you can expect these nine-tail thongs to stay up the crack of my ass, wagging all the way home.

Signed Sasuke Uchiha

P.S. I gave that disc to Neji last week, Tramp. Lady Gaga is what's in now.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: This is what happens when yaoi is taken TOO far lol. ^_^<strong>


	55. Signed Iruka and Kakashi

**Author's Rant: **Gosh I love these two so very much. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

With all of my missions, having to grade my tests and going through the sessions of training upcoming rookie ninja. . . when exactly would I find the time to fawn over Kakashi sensai as you all mostly put it? We're both very busy men and cannot find the time to laze about and inquire on the wild fantasties of you lowly perverted people.

I would not dream of looking upon my superior in such a distasteful way.

Whenever I see him, he's given a greeted smile like any other shinobi. Nothing special about that in the least.

. . . It just gets a bit warm when walks by my class and smiles with that look in his eye.

Signed Iruka Umino.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I'm irresistible, end of story. It can't be helped. If Iruka tends to stare at my body when I happen to walk by his classroom, its his own fault. Actually, no its mine. To be born with the looks of a defined wolf and the charisma of a stylish God, it can be understandable why some of you would believe he questions his own sexuality.

Especially when he's around me. I've seen the way he looks when I glide by his classroom.

Personally, I believe he's gay myself. The spandex around his . . . ahem certain parts look as tight as Guy's. Makes you wonder who he's thinking about when you look at him.

Signed Kakashi Hatake.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Gotta love Kakashi and Iruka. ^_^<strong>


	56. Signed Neji and Kiba

**Author's Rant: **Sorry about missing a day. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

There seems to be this constant need to pair me off with the most untamed, frightfully bad dressed psychos without a shred of manners to revolve around their personalities.

Really now. . .

Of all the people you fiends dare to believe I'd associate with, you pick Inuzuka? The very same man who's admitted to wanting to know the pleasures a dog feels when . . .

Dear God No.

I won't disgrace this sheet of paper with such disgusting details. He refuses to mark something called toilet paper and doesn't know the difference between walking on two legs instead of crawling on all fours like an uncouth savage.

Perhaps if he properly groomed himself, took the time to learn that soap and washclothes can do wonders for body odor and worshiped a masculine invention called a hair comb, then maybe we could discuss being allies over a cup of tea.

Until then, he's not to even glance at the perfection that is myself. You all can have a splendid day in whatever fairy tale world you live in.

Farewell.

Signed Neji Hyuuga

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

To put it simple, I'm not interested in men at all.

And even if I was Neji would be the last motherfucker I wanted to fuck. He's got too much hair, walks like a damn woman and since he wants to cope out secrets, ask the bastard why I confused him with Hinata last week.

Yeah, love how that hair dye did "wonders" on you too, you jackass. You're not my type anyway.

Too much manly make-up and hips.

Don't ask how I know about the hips thing. Let's just say Akamaru saw some very interesting things during our last trip to the bathhouse.

Stupid Neji's packing more under that skirt than a Kunai.

Signed Kiba Inuzuka

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Kiba and Neji, gotta love 'em.<strong>


	57. Signed Mary Sue and Male Shinobi

**Author's Rant: **More funny time guys! ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Hey everyone. I would like to thank you all so very much for appreciating me enough to place me in the category with the hottest guys of the Leaf Village.

As much as I know Sasuke, Neji, Naruto, Kiba and Shikamaru are in love with my overlapping beauty, I cannot simply break up with Itachi or Deidara.

You know how much they fight over me everyday. How will they react to know that every male shinobi in the leaf village adores me?

My poor Sasori. He's been obssessed with me since I was born . . . Oh well he'll just get depressed and kill himself over me.

My hair is constantly changing colors, I have the eyes of a rainbow star, and my body is simply flawless. I see why you all would think of me as the perfect mate to everyone.

But first I have to check with Leader to be sure its ok for me to venture off to the Leaf Village to break their hearts. He already has me engaged to Lord Gaara. I promised him that we could have children.

Don't worry, I'll name them after my grandfather, the recently deceased Kokage Saratobi and my cousin Tsunade. Hopefully they'll inherite my awesome cool powers. I learned the Sharigan at three, the Neji eye veins thing at four and a number of other moves at seven.

No wonder they love me so much.

Signed Mary Sue.

P.S. I would love to be your friend. I somehow know where you all live and I can cook amazing food.

P.S.S. I wish I wasn't so beautiful, but sometimes it can't be helped. No need to be jealous.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

In your worthless dreams Wench.

May the powers of Jashin damn thee to hell Bitch!

I'd rather dance in a bon fire butt naked smothered in gasoline.

Woof . . .

Not even for the last piece of BBQ.

As if . . .

I'm too lazy to give a damn.

72 hours is plenty . . .

And you wonder why we attacked the Leaf Village.

She's dillusional because . . . .

Signed every Swinging Dick Ninja.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: May the powers of Jashin compel thee to the deepest parts of hell! <strong>


	58. Signed Orochimaru and Anko

**Author's Rant: **More funny time guys! ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I prefer my victims to be unable to defeny themselves and without the ability to control snakes. This psychotic wench has tried to kill me far too many times for me to interpret that as a mild crush.

Besides, I find her lack of crotch space to be quite interesting. Care to examine what's happening beneath that leather skirt?

Signed Orochimaru

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Me. . . want him? In that sicko's dreams.

Not over my dead body, his dead body and every other dead body he's fucked into the ground. Sick, prissy fuck.

Sick, twisted, ass licking, pedophile. Kidnapping kids and using them as his slaves. I bet he wouldn't think twice about snagging a grown man eh?

Signed Anko.

P.S. You know what fuck it. He is Orochimaru. I could dead and killed over and he'll still find a decent way to fuck.

P.S.S. The only thing under my skirt is what I was happily blessed with thanks.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Anko. . . is there something you want to tell us?<strong>


	59. Signed Deidara and Sasori

**Author's Rant: **Oh dear I've hit another block sweeties =(

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Me and Sasori? HA!

I would rather fuck the inside of a grape fruit then touch a single piece of that red haired puppet freak, Un.

We don't have a single thing in common. Leader just thought it was funny seeing us argue one day and his dumbass thought it'd be cute to put us together.

The rest of you freakest fans just thought it was cute to take thats hit from there.

Me screwing around with Pinnochio is against every law of nature, un.

You got'damn sick, nasty, perverted, dirty minded, bunch of pussy licking weiners.

Signed Deidara.

P.S. . . . Un.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

He may not fuck me . . . but I know he'd fuck anything warm, tight and wet.

Just ask those hands of his.

Signed Sasori.

P.S. I understand his issues with basic speech . . . but why write the "un" as well?

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: I think I'll take another small break sweeties. <strong>


	60. Signed Sasuke and Itachi lll

**Author's Rant: **For those of you who were reading **Sapphire Beauty**, I wanted to inform you that the story had been reported and deleted due to reasons I'd rather keep private. To the fool(s) who reported me, you can come off your high horses now; it's whatever. For real; haters gonna hate I guess. Can't live without them. The story's going to be reposted after some editing is performed on the plot

In the famous words of Katt Williams "If you got twelve haters you best get your next one by the end of the summer and if you don't have any haters then bitch you probably are one."

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Every aspect of the word Incest, no matter how you try to rephrase it or redefine it, is wrong. Uchihacest is not sexy. It's not cute. It's not tempting either. It's wrong.

Me and Sasuke. That belief is wrong.

The fantasies you dreamily waddle in, are wrong. Conjuring manic scenes that involve myself and that pathetic brat in close knit quarters, are horrifically wrong.

Sasuke's weak, he's pathetic, he whines and more importantly he's blood kin. He's also unfortunately small. That's wrong.

I'm going blind, not homosexually desparate for my little brother.

Now then . . .

Seventy two hours of hell . . .

That's correct.

Signed Itachi Uchiha.

P.S. He's going to whine in his letter.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Itachi's gay. I knew this since I was a child; apparently you all did as well.

The freakish nail polish, conviently long flowing black hair that happens to fall into place after a good shampoo and lets not forget his constant need to talk with a sultry tone like he's rehearsing for the next part in Icha Icha Paradise.

Dead give aways don't you think?

The bastard walks with one hand hanging from his cloak like he ruled a country years ago.

I don't want to fuck Itachi. I want to kill him. There is no hidden sexual tension behind why. Don't use my obssession for vengence as an excuse for being infatuated.

Seeing you all approve of this, lets me_ further_ know that I need to hurry along with my plans of pay back.

First he steals my childhood, murders off my entire clan, and now he's robbing my manhood.

Itachi's gotta go. . .

Signed Sasuke.

P.S. I do not whine.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: I care for my readers too much to let this get me down. Sorry loves. I'm still on break for this story.<strong>


	61. Signed Rock Lee and Gaara

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

. . . I deeply respect KazeKage Gaara for all he's done for me and the fact that he's willing to keep peace between the Sand and Leaf villages. . . but why do I have to be the one who takes his virginity? I'm pretty sure he isn't that ignorant when it comes to sex. If you people did as much work trying to find him a suitable wife instead of making me do the impossible, like jogging two million laps around the village like I'm on super crack, than Gaara would be happily married by now.

He's not interested in men as far as I know.

Wait. . . well if he is that's his own business right?

I mean there was that one time that he. . . nevermind.

I had my shirt off, my muscles glistened with the shine of youth and my hair was jelled to perfection. He was staring (not that anyone could blame him).

But I don't think he wants me like that.

Signed Rock Lee.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

If I don't like chocolate haired women with strange eyes, why on earth would I find a pair of caterpillar brows intriguing? He's too. . . hairy. Though I wouldn't call him hideous.

Just pleasantly ugly.

Signed Gaara.

P.S. I was lost in the forest that one time. He just happened to be in my line of vision and if I had eyebrows, he'd know my staring was a furrow of confusion instead of sexual attraction.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: I hope my muse is back. BTW Rock Lee isn't ugly, he's hot.^_^<strong>


	62. Signed The Uzumakis

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Oh Good Lord bless you demented children of the Nether world who write the wicked sin of Uzumakicest.

I dub you all . . . in the need of a few verses and psychological therapy.

Thy shall not sleepth with thy sonth. So keepth himth away from my wombth.

Signed Kushina Uzumaki.

P.S. Translation. I'm not gonna to have son/mother rape with my child.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

My Ma and Pa?

Really? Ya'll are taking that whole keepin' sexy in the family bit a lil' too far. . . hell Sasuke sounds better then this.

Signed Naruto Uzumaki.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Hear, hear! I second that. I was born male to pro-cre-ate not pro-cest-rape.

Signed Minato Namikaze

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: I can't talk . . . I'm just as guilty in the Inuyasha world lol. ^_^<strong>


	63. Signed Sasuke and Naruto VI

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

**Author's Rant**: This centers around MPreg and OOCness lol. I liked this one. ^_^

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Since I'm the one who can needs to restore my clan's population and Naruto's magically capable of helping, there's only one solution. . .

We shall make ass babies!

Signed Sasuke Uchiha

P.S. And if at first we don't succeed . . . WE WILL TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Wait . . . say what?

Signed Naruto Uzumaki.

P.S. . . . I'm gonna go through the village to look for extra jutsu wombs. This might take a while.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Hey babes if anyone's a fan of Bleach: Ichigo and Grimmjow, perhaps you'd be interested in reading my 3 new stories posted for them called <em><span>Grind, The<span> Sun's Rays and the Ocean's Waves, and The Life of Kappa Alpha Psi._ I'd love your HONEST feedbacks to see if they're decent plots since its my first time writing for that area. Thanks, I'd really appreciate it. **


	64. Signed Zabuza and Haku

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

**Author's Rant**: I don't know what this is focusing on lol. ^_^

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I belong to Zabuza and I will always belong to Zabuza. I am his tool, a well oiled instrument for him to use as he pleases. If he askes me to jump, I won't ask how high, I'll just do it. If he wants me to lie on my back, I shall do so. If I'm asked to open my legs for him to see, I will without hesitation . . . if he wants me to open my mouth and swallow his big, sweaty, salt flavored-

Signed Haku.

_This letter has been confiscated by the United Child Protective Services of the Ninja Alliance for a child molestation and sexual intercourse of a minor, investigation._

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Whoa, whoa, whoa, What. The. Fuck? I didn't make him do any of that shit. He willing did all that on his own, without question. I say bend over, he does it. I ask, how deep, he says very. I say hot, he says indeed. That's just how we talk when eating dinner. Got'damn is there not a shred of privacy left in this world?

I may be hellbound but I ain't helping the process along.

. . . shit it ain't my fault the boy knows who his daddy is.

Signed Zabuza.

_Zabuza will be forbidden from interacting with the readers of this series for a period of six months due to discovering that some of you are below the ages of eighteen and could easily be influenced into performing water jutsu for pure sexual pleasure, such as anal preparation, stroking of the penis and etc. We do not want your mothers or fathers setting our villages on fire because you're brave enough to become this man's bitch. _

_Thank you for your time. _

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: You tell'em Zabuza.<strong>


	65. Signed Itachi and Kyuubi

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

**Author's Rant**: To those who haven't noticed, my Naruto character-wisdom is pretty limited so some of these characters you're requesting I don't have a clue who they are nor do I feel up to looking them. I enjoy using characters EVERYONE knows instead of just focusing on folks only one or two people know of. Ok? Ok. ^_^

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I don't fuck village destroying, flea bitten animals the size of sky scrapers.

Signed Itachi.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I don't fuck purple nail-polish wearing homosexuals with a tendency to brush their hair more than the average vixen.

Signed Kyuubi.

P.S. . . But he'll fuck the frilly blond bomber and his own brother? He gets away with that and I'm labeled as the destroyer of dreams?

. . . Right.

Grubby little savage.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: . . . my well's dried up again. . . Dammit to hell. Gimme a lil break guys. It won't be as long as before.<strong>


	66. Signed Itachi and Naruto

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

**Author's Rant**: I'm back until the well dries up babes ^_^

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I may be many things, but desperate for some _Uchiha dick_ ain't one of 'em.

Drop dead Itachi. If ya brother ain't worth shit, nine times outta ten you're lower then the shit parasites eat.

Signed Naruto Uzumaki.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Says the lad who's constantly confusing me with my younger brother. Apparently the _Uchiha dick_ has some kind of goodness if you keep pursuing it day in and day out. If its not myself, it is indeed my brother you're going after.

Denial is such an uncharacteristic feature is it not? Feed your loathesome contradictions to those who write the Ita/Naru fictions. They'll tell you the truth.

Signed Itachi Uchiha.

P.S. For those who were incorrectly informed, the name of an Uchiha's penis is not labeled as Uchiha Dick. It is, for those who do care to know, handsomely named by the owner it's attached too.

For example, I vaguely recall Sasuke referring to his lower half as his Massive Kunai Nine. Naruto should be quite familiar with that term. As for myself, I prefer a more tasteful title.

The Weapon of Mass De-cum-tion

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: ~^_^~<strong>


	67. Signed Tsunade and Jiraya

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

**Author's Rant**: I love making you guys laugh or smile. ^_^

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

There's no way I'd ever think of screwing around with that perverted old man. Fifty years of trying and he has no idea how to make me feel like a woman.

Signed Tsunade.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

. . . Pfft, go iron my clothes and fix my dinner. That'll make ya feel like a woman.

Signed Jiraya.

P.S. By the way, I've already been there and done that. Those jiggle cups are sagging for a reason. I mean SOMEBODY had to have sucked those ta ta's drier than a Texas Powder House, right?

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: ~^_^~<strong>


	68. Signed Sasuke and Suigetsu

**Author's Rant:** Good God you guys need to be showered in Waffles and Maple Syrup. Thanks to those who've PM'ed reviewed, read, enjoyed and all that jazz lol.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Don't match me up with inhuman creatures. I have some level of respect for where I stick my manhood. Sharp teeth and abnormally colored eyes don't suit my fancy. Sakura should've been the first clue to that.

Signed Sasuke.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Really?

But he'll fuck a blond haired frog? Where's your level of respect now? I'm honestly offended.

Signed Suigetsu.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: I saw Suigetsu. . . and fell in love.<strong>


	69. Signed Killer Bee and Naruto

**Author's Rant:** I swear I'm glad to hear I could give you guys a laugh. It brightens my day hearing that.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Yo, say ho! Yo say ho!

My name's Killer Bee, I'm not so please. Apparently you readers want a piece of me.

I got some news, and it was just terrible, as a matter of fact it was just unbearable.

No, oh, no. No, oh, no. Are you all insane, I can't eat Naruto!

He's blond and short with a wide, flat ass, and when it comes to kissin', Sasuke says not so fast!

All of you who write can lick my dick, cause Killer Bee don't go 'round suckin' no sticks.

Signed Killer Bee.

P.S. For real ya'll who runs this? I ain't the one son.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I bought this CD and blasted it from here to the Sand Village. I broke an eardrum playing this on repeat, but it was worth it. I bet your windows know the truth now huh?

Naruto Uzumaki doesn't roam around anyone's beehive.

Signed Naruto Uzumaki

P.S. Excuse the flat ass comment. He wouldn't know.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: If anyone cares for Suigetsu he plays a role in my new NekoSasuNaru fic called _Marked For Life,_ if you're interested ^_^. **


	70. Signed Konan and Tobi

**Author's Rant:** I haven't done Konan. Oops.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Its against some moral rule to mess with those with a intelligence level barely pass two. Please have respect for them and don't make them fuck against their will. Tobi is at the top of the list of unwilling, willing participates.

Signed Konan.

P.S. When he learns that breasts and penises don't both excrete milk, prehaps we can work something out.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Tobi not as dumb, dumb as she thinks hehehehe.

Signed Tobi.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Oh my lol. <strong>


	71. Signed Kakashi, Sasuke and Naruto

**Author's Rant:** Oh my damn guys. There are way TOO many pairings in the Naruto section lol. Hopefully I can get the ones requested.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

His personality is a block of cracked ice. His face never moves passed a chiseled scowl or pout. Did the fact that he has an attitude not register with you many of you? Sasuke has a choice to be many things, he just chooses to be a jack-of-trades ass.

Why I would risk breaking the law with someone that wouldn't show any effort in bed? Laying there just isn't going to cut it for me Sasuke. I need emotion, some flare . . . and you just can't give it to me.

Signed Kakashi Hatake

P.S. As for Naruto? . . . well there aren't enough sunglasses in the world for that smile. The possibilites are intriguing, but he's not worth being blinded over.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

. . . shut up and fuck your book like you always do.

Nothing is interesting if you're _not interested_ in it genius.

No emotion? If that's the case then apparently someone's doing _something_ wrong.

Signed Sasuke Uchiha

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Sex with Sasuke is like gossip, everyone is willing to chat about it but only a few know the truth.

For Kakashi . . . it'll always be gossip. That book? His only _willing _truth.

Signed Naruto Uzumaki

P.S. I'm faxing these letters to Iruka Sensai.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Lol I did three? What the hell? lol. <strong>


	72. Signed The Rookie Nine

**Author's Rant:** Damn its been a while. Blame Hurricane Issac.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Read this very carefully.

WE. WENT. TO. KONOHA. NINJA. ACADEMY.

We're not going to your high school and we sure as hell ain't hoping on the next broom stick to Hogwarts.

Signed the Rookie Nine.

P.S. They have medical instituions for people like you. Watch out for those needles. They're full of common sense.

P.P.S Spread your fingers and subtract one. Now how many do you have?

Come now, don't be shy.

Nine?

That's correct.

There are nine of us in the ROOKIE NINE.

So please explain to us who the fuck Miranda, Josh, George, Larry, Cliff, Jasmine, Nicole, Brandon, Sandra, Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Goddamn Sora, Riku . . . fuck it, who are these people?

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: My funny bone's mending itself, I think. ^_^<strong>


	73. Signed The Akatsuki lll

**Author's Rant:** Thanks guys. I'm glad I could make you laugh.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Necessary requirements for the association and participation of the Akatsuki are as follows:

1. Be able to survive walking through the front door and live for the interview.

2. Wear the cloak pressed around the edges and sleeves without a single wrinkle.

3. Possess a deadly, tearful background worth mentioning in order to convince members that you deserve some teammate love.

4. Have some sort of blood relative connection within the ranks.

5. Males are ordered to wear onyx, NOT obsidian nail polish. Smoke gray is the only substitute. No exceptions.

6. Hair is to be either kept neatly trimmed above or around the ears or long and combed in a shampoo tamed fashion. No feathered banes.

7. Learn to read. That includes words, dead bodies, hand signs, mountain symbols, etc.

8. Decent knowledge of cooking meals (extra credits towards those who know how to fix something other than rice crackers and shrimp fried rice.)

9. Keep a constant urge inside to want to kill your partner.

10. Have a stable financial background. Bad credit? No credit? IT IS a problem.

11. Don't bring problems we haven't created.

12. Sex among members is PROHIBITED WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.

13. Think about what you've read before walking through.

14. Give it some more thought.

15. Pray. No, we don't care to which god. However, if you don't survive, obviously you prayed to the wrong one.

These rules are the basic regulations followed by the members of the Akatsuki and there are absolutely no exceptions. None of you fit these. Half of you will barely make it passed number one.

All we ask is that you stop trying. You, your friends and your make-believe counterparts aren't allowed. We don't care about your motivated excuses. Unless you've laid a village to waste without batting an eyelash, make a sharp stage right at the next river. Hidan's getting sick of sacrificing virgins and Deidara can't AFFORD to waste more wax.

WARNING: Read before entering.

We're not going to ask questions anymore.

If you don't fit the description above . . .

We're just going to kill you.

Signed The Akatsuki and "Leader"

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: ^_^<strong>


	74. Sasuke Uchiha IV

**Author's Rant:** Well damn, ya'll have a lot of requests lol. I'll do what I can.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

_Meow_. Bastards. _Meow_.

Signed Sasuke Uchiha.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: ^_^ Guilty. I did this in my story Marked For Life. <strong>


	75. Signed Sasuke and Kakashi

**Author's Rant:** So many requests and half of them are characters I barely know. Ugh sorry guys.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I'm little Sasuke short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout.

I'm so adorable, plump and sweet.

So why does Kakashi wanna rape me?

Signed Sasuke Uchiha

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

How sweet.

The perfect trap right? Sitting a tiny Sasuke in front of me sucking a book shaped lollipop.

Tempting, intriguing even, but no. I'll have to pass.

That's Orochimaru's field of experitise. I prefer them willing and legal.

Signed Kakashi Hatake

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Scary =0<strong>


	76. Signed Naruto and Male Ninja

**Author's Rant:** So many, many, many requests!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

This is getting really old, really fast.

Not only am I made the total whore of the village but you've gone so far as to make me fuck Akamaru? A damn dog?

To anyone who thinks its funny to let him CHEW MY BONER, oh yeah you're so clever.

I will claim the title as most eligable body in the Leaf but one participate at a time alright?

Signed Naruto Uzumaki.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I've been trying to kill Naruto since we were twelve. The attraction couldn't be more foggy. It'S JUST NOT THERE!

I flat out ignore him. I don't fuck troublesome blondes. That includes Neighborhood Knuckleheads.

What is the fasination with the majority of us screwing his eye sockets loose? Yes one of you wrote that and it was quite disturbing.

I'm in line waiting for eyebrows, not for fucking Naruto.

He's too loud. I'd never get away with it.

Grrrr.

Akamaru's right. Fuck that.

We've officially had it people. No matter how many times you make him do that freaky chick Jutsu the fact still remains that his dick swings. If the fact that no one here is gay can sink in your heads, then shit, we'll boycott our bodies until you get the picture. The Leaf isn't Gay!

That's the Rain Village.

Signed Some of the Male Ninja.

_~Due to the aburdity of the idea of fucking Naruto and the high level of offense it created, only a few ninja were allowed to enter the letter room and sign this form! _

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Not much of a Harem fan myself but I'm still guilty lol. <strong>


	77. Signed The Leaf Village

**Author's Rant: **Hey guys, long time. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

We would hereby like to inform everyone of the discontinuation of the Leaf Village due to the overwhelming circumstances lain upon us. The entire population has declined because of the seventh generation shinobi suddenly finding pussy/pussy and dick/dick more invigorating then multiplying.

And no, no matter how much you want it to happen, the impregnant jutsu doesn't exist. Orochimaru didn't make it. Naruto didn't invent. Your twisted minds just want the world painted rainbow.

We have no records of these children ever being born:

Naruke child of Sasuke and Naruto

Rutosa child of Sasuke and Naruto

Sosuke child of Sasuke and Naruto (identity thief of Sosuke Aizen)

Kyuubito child of Kyuubi and Naruto (hell to the fuck no)

Shiji child of Neji and Shikamaru

Neru child of Neji and Shikamaru

Garbi child of Gaara and Kiba (absolutely inappropriate)

Ayame eyebrow-less child of Naruto and Gaara (somehow)

Akito child of Akamaru and Kiba (identity thief of Akito Sohma and forbidden beast sex)

Signed Everyone.

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><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

I wanna know why the hell everybody became swirlies too. Ain't a shred of straight blood in town.

Signed Naruto Uzumaki.

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><p><strong>TBC: I have nothing against this. I think its fun and funny. Smiles or laughs? ^_^<strong>


	78. Signed Sasuke and Naruto Vll

**Author's Rant: **Oh lord, I think I lost some teeth with this one.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Sasuke,<p>

I-I think I love you Sasuke. These magically emotions can't be hidden away anymore. I really think its time we settle our differences, put all of animosity to the side and just move onto falling in loving. It's. . . it's only naturally we be in love after the first day. . .After, after not seeing you for twenty four hours, I think its made me understand that my feelings for you go deeper then the ocean.

Five minutes is all we need to realize our love.

Ten minutes is all we'll need to sort out our problems together.

Give us an hour to accidentally get me pregnant.

Kill everyone who suddenly finds an interest in me.

Let us not wait a minute more before we're wed and living happily ever in some made of shack in the dead center of the Leaf Village.

Afterwards let's keep your last name and not mine, because let's face it, who really wants to be an Uzumaki right?

Signed Naruto Uzumaki.

P.S. Recongize the sarcasm motherfucka. Ha, ain't no way in hell. I'm coming for that ass.

* * *

><p>Dear Naruto,<p>

Fuck you . . . I halfway believed that.

Signed Sasuke Uchiha

P.S. "Recognize" your spelling and grammar errors. Illiterate dumbass.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Oh how I count the times I've read this happen. <strong>


	79. Signed Sakura and Naruto

**Author's Rant: **Enjoy my sweet ones!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p>Dear Naruto,<p>

Why the hell do you have shapely hips and ass cheeks? The last I checked, I was the only feminine member in our group!

What the hell? You're sporting a vagina too? Please don't tell me you and Sasuke are going to start making little Narukes, Sasutos and all that.

I guess I'm just here for decoration.

Signed Sakura.

* * *

><p>Dear Sakura,<p>

Ya know what? Its probably because you have broad shoulders, a flat ass, and no breasts.

Shit somebody's gonna protect women's attributes. It's a fucking shame that person's gonna be me.

Signed Naruto.

P.S. Hell naw, me and that psycho aren't squating out babies around here!

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><p><strong>TBC: Naruto is a man. No hips, no plump ass (maybe the ass), no breasts. If you make me pregnant, keep some of his manhood please. ~drops mic and walks away~<strong>


	80. PD, Naruto and Sasuke

**Author's Rant: **Enjoy babycakes!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

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><p><strong>PD: Hello everyone. I'm your friend and writer and psychotic fiend, PhoenixDiamond! <strong>

**Naruto: Oh man, who left the cage open?**

**PD: Yo' mama. Now hush. Its time to write.**

**Sasuke: ~walks into the room~ Why the hell did you call me?**

**PD: Its time to introduce a new story. You and Naruto are going to be vampires.**

**Naruto: ...I thought we were vampires last week.**

**Neji: No, you were vampire hunters last week. This week, Sasuke is the vampire and you're the lowly student who attends high school that for some strange reason, he's attracted too.**

**Mary Sue: Who will I play?**

**PD: ~cranks gun~ A bitch without a prayer. Better raise out sweetheart. We don't support rainbow hoes.**

**Mary Sue: ~smiles and happily walks away singing like Anita Baker~**

**PD: ...the fuck? She sings too?**

**Naruto: ...shoot that bitch. She knows where we all live too.**

**PD: ~Loads a MK47 and runs shrilling at the top of my lungs~**

**Sasuke: ~rolls eyes~ Sorry, the author's note was so long, we completely forgot to say PhoenixDiamond doesn't own us and thankfully she never will.**

* * *

><p>Blah, blah, blah Supposed story, blah, blah, blah.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>PD: I'm back guys. <strong>

**Sasuke: Where the hell were you?**

**PD: Out. Don't worry about it.**

**Naruto: You got her?**

**PD: ~GRINS~ Damn straight. **

**Neji: Stay tuned for another short chapter and an even longer author's note. **

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><p><strong>TBC:<strong> No offense to anyone who does this. Remember ITS JUST FOR FUN ^_^.


	81. Sasuke Uchiha V

**Author's Rant: **To those who didn't understand the previous chapter, it was based on writers dominating the majority of their chapter space with author's notes. They don't need to be that long folks. That's really a waste of time and a reader's patience. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or make any profit from the use of the Naruto characters. I'm simply borrowing them for enjoyable reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction,<p>

A small dose of reality...

Orochimaru looks like Michael Jackson and Kabuto looks like Harry Potter.

Orochimaru kidnaps children and use them to his advantage.

Kabuto steals the children for him so he can use them to his advantage.

Orochimaru bathes.

Kabuto bathes Orochimaru.

Now ask yourselves. . . who's really the bitch here?

Signed Sasuke Uchiha.

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><p><strong>TBC: No offense to MJ fans because I love that man to death. <strong>

**~_My brain's completely dry, so I'm open to all requests. I'll use those to update up to chapter 100 then I'm done. Anyone with an idea please suggest them and I'll credit the idea I use to you and I'll do my best to bring humor to it~_**


	82. Signed Itachi and Kisame

**Author's Rant: **Thanks to everyone who offered their requests. I'll try my best to do them justice. I'll do them in the order they were received.

**Request: **Phoenix09: Kisame and Itachi as a yaoi couple.

* * *

><p>Dear Kisame,<p>

Your offer is very tempting my friend but . . . I must disrespectfully decline. There's not enough blindness in the world to convert me to fucking fish bait.

Near death I may be, desperate I am not.

Signed Itachi Uchiha.

* * *

><p>Dear Itachi,<p>

Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that buddy.

Whatever helps you die at night.

Signed Kisame.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Lol next up is AchicknamedBob, your request will be up soon babycakes ^_<strong>


	83. Signed Shino Aburame

**Author's Rant: **Thanks to everyone who offered their requests. I'll try my best to do them justice. I'll do them in the order they were received.

**Request: **AchicknamedBob: Shino's appearances in stories.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction,<p>

I smile when I want too.

I talk when I want too.

I act when I want too.

I fight when I want too.

So why is it when I want to interact with people, you won't let me? I can smile. I can laugh. You just refuse to move me beyond a mute.

You people treat me like a cockroach!

Its fine to see me flying outside but as soon as I step in your house, its "DIE BITCH DIE!"

And you wonder why I spend more time with my insects. At least they don't discrimate who they're gonna bug.

Signed Shino Aburame

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><p><strong>TBC: Cmsully, your request is up next babycakes.<strong>


	84. Signed Madara Uchiha

**Author's Rant: **Thanks a ton for your help with this Cmsully.

**Request: **Cmsully: Madara's complaints.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction,<p>

I don't understand the youth's logic these days.

How in God's name is Hashirama considered this all mighty, powerful force, while I'm stuck being portrayed as this sadistic fiend capable of killing his own brother to get his eyes.

After all, was it not a proven fact that I didn't kill Izuna, but Tobirama did?

Hmmm, something to think about, yes?

Signed Madara Uchiha.

P.S. I don't urinate in public because I'm embarrassed (_please_). Its simply because I don't want to be responsible for the majority of you leaving your husbands. The Leaf Village has already declared the Uchiha Clan a danger to the population. Don't make us the cause for divorces too.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Next up D-Gragoon1212's request . . . . I feel like I'm getting rusty. . . might be time to retire this story. <strong>


	85. Signed Popular Male Ninja

**Author's Rant: **Thanks to everyone who's fav'ed, alerted, read and reviewed this series of letters. You're great!

**Request: **D-Gragoon1212: Genderbending

* * *

><p>Dear Fans and now Authors of Fanfiction,<p>

We're going to address the whole lot of you this time to correct a shit load of common issues.

* * *

><p>First we'll begin with Naruto. My eyes are not cobalt, navy, sapphire, turquioise, indigo, teal (really?) or that oceanic blue that sparkles like some gay disco ball. They're blue and have always been a regular ole' blue.<p>

* * *

><p>Now for Sasuke. My eyes aren't ebony, onyx, obsidian, jet black or so vastly void they blend into the night sky. That's the best one by far too.<p>

* * *

><p>Here's Kakashi. Please quit acting like you know how I look. You don't. That's your orgasmic dreams wishing I looked like your teacher's wet dream.<p>

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><p>Oh Itachi. I'll never like women. Especially you. End of story.<p>

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><p>From Madara. Oh good lord, you're brave . . . you want white or red roses for your grave?<p>

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><p>Passed Hokages. We're dead. Orochimaru defied the odds one time. Just ONCE. You can't do it. Live with it. We're not your fathers, uncles, grandfathers or cousins twiced removed by your rainbow Mary-Sue.<p>

* * *

><p>Here's Iruka. Stop making me wear dresses and stop making Kakashi molest me.<p>

* * *

><p>Neji, Gaara, Shikamaru, Sasuke, Choji, Naruto, Kiba, Lee, Iruka, Madara, Itachi, Deidara, Sasori, Kisame, Hidan, Pain, and Kabuto.<p>

We as a whole, would like to say these final words. . .

WE ARE MEN! STOP BENDING US INTO FUCKING WOMEN SO WE'LL HAVE AN EXCUSE TO FUCK OUR ENEMIES!

WE DON'T SWISH OUR HIPS LIKE WE'RE LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME!

AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE DON'T HAVE HIPS. START DESCRIBING US LIKE THE MEN WE ARE!

Therefore people, these dicks are here to stay.

Deal with it.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: I rarely do this but I wanted to give a shoutout to several readers. <strong>

**SheWhoHasNoName: Thanks for your encouragement, babycakes. I've decided to take your advice and leave it be. **

**BrokenxWinged: Your review actually made me sad and proud to be one of those authors you enjoy reading. I thank you very much.**

**PepsiCakerz: No one's offered to take over, therefore I'll keep it under my wing. No worries, I'll keep it as my own work. **

**Thanks everyone for sticking around, but I think it is time to call it quits. . . . I'll mark it as complete and perhaps proceed in the future with the rest of the requests. **


	86. Signed Naruto Uzumaki Vlll

**Disclaimer:** I own nada and make nada of Naruto.

**Author's Rant:** Random, yes it is and very annoying.

* * *

><p>Dear Authors of Fanfiction,<p>

I, Naruto Uzumaki, would like to request that you keep your misery and woes completely out of the stories. I'm not being rude and I already don't want to be written in your sick stories anyway but its very hard to focus on your freakish stories when all you seem to do is whine, mope and complain about your personal problems. Don't know what I'm talking about? I'll show you.

_Hey Fans, sorry it took forever for me to update. Me and my boyfriend had to celebrate our anniversary yesterday and it was a real treat. He took us to McDonalds and let me upgrade my meal this time. He's so super sweet to me. Oh but it doesn't matter now. We broke up an hour ago and now I'm too depressed to write anymore. I feel terrible and sad. Please make me feel better with your reviews of pity. At least that way I won't feel like I'm neglected on both sides of the world. I think my mom baked cookies today. Does anyone like chocolate chip or peanut butter? I'm a chip girl myself. What are your favorite hobbies? I like to read, write, daydream and all sorts of things that don't pertain to getting to the point of this story and getting on your nerves with my problems. I'm just that kind of person. Oops, gosh I forgot I'm supposed to update. Oh well, at least you know what's going on with my life._

See? That was pointless, no story was read and all you've caused was a bunch of eyes to roll.

Nuff said.

Signed Naruto Uzumaki.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Perhaps I'll be more specific. Unless you absolutely must inform readers of life-changing event in your life that's plausible towards why you're not updating, such as a car accident, becoming homeless, sickness, engagement, new baby, etc. then its fine. NO it cannot be ignored because it usually takes up the majority of the chapter space. <strong>


	87. Signed Naruto Uzumaki IX

**Author's Rant:** Yeah, I know it's weird to see an update to this story, but I had to this time.

* * *

><p>Dear Fans of Fanfiction<p>

Just write the story. Go ahead and write Sasuke butt bumping me if that's what makes your chaka purr. I've learned to deal with it after seeing over half a million of you love to read it in secret, while checking over your shoulders every few seconds to make sure no one sees how much I'm enjoying my ass being abused by a class-rank-criminal-now-turned-alley.

What I can't deal with though. . . is your having to listen to how much you love your boyfriend. Call me crazy but I thought that kind of stuff was saved for that freaky community site that uses a form of crazy jutsu to connect with people from the other nations.

We don't care! It's bad enough I wake up knowing my day is going to turn into a marathon of "Come fuck me, Sasuke" but damn. I gotta sit there and read that before getting to the good. . . erm. . . I mean bad stuff.

_Signed Naruto_

P.S. Believe it, I meant bad not good. Nothing good can come from fucking Sasuke.

P.S.S. Not that I really care, CAUSE I DON'T, but. . . whoever the hell these magically powerful girls are you keep matching me and my friends up with, cut that shit out too. We don't want to be your boyfriends.

Stop living your freakish fantasies through us.

Go get a real man.

Just don't tell us about it.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC: Stop putting your personal business out there. It's not cute. If you really must, update it on your profile. At least that way people have the option to skip over it instead of it wasting chapter space. I'm not gonna apologize for this one as I haven't with theothers. That's what these letters are meant for. Either take them as a learning experience or something to smirk at. OK, the story is really retired this time. ^_^<strong>


End file.
